The Crazy Messed Up World I Like To Call My Life

Dear Diary,

2009-07-21T01:58:47Z

Hello.

I have been gone for some time, but I have been busy, sorry about that.   Things have been happening in my life, my parents building a house, and unable to help me this final year, my inability to find work, and then finally getting hired, my moving, once again to a new place, with a much better roomie, (YAY NORA!) and a far better outlook for next year.

Then there comes the things that you don't expect. I can state the facts, I am human, an make mistakes. I will push your buttons, and aggravate you to no end sometimes, this I know.   I will piss you off like no other, or do something so stupid you give me wierd looks.   Heres the curve ball, i do not know I am doing these things. So I am always amazed when I am yelled at, or corrected, or treated like shit because I did something to someone else and they hold it against me without telling me why.

Such is the case now. My oldest brothers girlfriend and I used to be closer, but after her yelling at me last christmas I started to drift away.   Now, she is apparently pissed at me for not saying thank you when she gave me his new number.   But do I find this out in the dissagrement that occurs when she tells me why shes mad?

HELL NO.

She yells at me online, correcting me like a child for calling my brother for something she knows nothing about.   She says I never call him, to which I reply that the phone is a two way system.

Am I really a horrible person? Do I not see how terrible I am and how mean and awful to everyone?   I know I am not perfect, but I feel like she went overboard, and when someone does that to me, I do not hold up well. I get depressed, and cry, and feel like I am worthless.

So I am sorry for anything I have done or will do. To hurt you, my dearest friends, is never my intention.

Love,
Katie

little_riz @ 2009-05-06T18:48:00

2009-05-06T22:50:13Z

This is gonna be random and short cause I'm pissed, but I am SICK of people. Really.

I am tired of bullshit, tired of getting pushed and shoved and really really tired of having to follow everyone elses rules just so they don't have a shitfit.

People need to learn to chill and if they really have something to tell me, or say to me, say it TO MY FUCKING FACE YOU PUSSYS!

little_riz @ 2009-03-31T09:29:00

2009-03-31T13:33:31Z

Hello all.

Just a reminder.

I am awesome.

little_riz @ 2009-03-19T16:31:00

2009-03-19T20:32:27Z

My junior review is tomm. Third try for me this time. Wish me luck!

Sigh

2009-03-16T13:34:17Z

I would really like to apologize for this, but I am going to rant about my brother. (Mike)

Now, he has not done anything wrong, but it upsets me to see the paths hes choosing and yes, yes, I know I have no control over them at all, but it scares me.

I do not know much about Amy, his first girlfriend I am guessing, but I know shes messed with his head and given half the chance I would most likely make that look like a peck on the cheek considering how pissed off I am at her. I know she hurt him bad, and honestly since then, he seems like he can't hold a good thing down.

I think I am more angry at her than him really. Mike has always seem to follow the current, where ever it may lead. He has never been one to make his own serious decisions in life and it scares me. I can go back through many things and say he did this and that because someone else did them first.

I do not know if any of you know Amy, but I am not sorry for saying how much of an ass she is. No one messes with Mike, and most especially not in the bullshit way she did.

O.K. I am done. I don't think that was so much a rant as, well never-mind. I think i just needed to talk.

Subject

2009-03-11T18:54:31Z

So I haven't been on here in a while, I know.

Its been hard. It has. I struggle just to make it. I'm so tired I could cry. It depresses me a lot, I hope I pass my crit.

Anywho, I miss you guys. I feel like I haven't smiled in a while.

Laugh a little

2009-01-08T23:25:12Z

I am not a fan of Twilight, I personally think its the authors wet dream and some moron she slept with allowed her to get published when a 14 year old could write better than her.

So If your in desperate need of a laugh like I have been for the past two years, click below, and enjoy.

www.cracked.com/article_16878_if-twilight-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html

Love, Me. :)

So long, farewell...

2009-01-06T18:26:21Z

Hello all

I'm really upset so I will make this short.

I need a new home for my kitten Jinx. Shes three months old and hasn't been to a vet yet, which yes, yes, I know is a problem.

But my landlord said no so now she has to go. If you know anyone please let me know. I would like her to go to a good home.

Le Sigh

2008-11-03T16:20:03Z

I don't know who still reads these, if anyone, but I could really use some help right now. I will try to make this short, but its a long story.

I'm pretty sure everyone at some point read about different parts, but I shall rewrite it anyhow.

My art school has junior crits, where you hang your work up in front of your professors and they go off about it. I failed both. I also failed my painting class, which means I couldn't graduate. Any-who, my rents are getting irritated and ticked and all so I tell me mom, contact my dean, cause apparently I cannot explain it to her at all. I am going to put in here some direct cuts from what my dean wrote to my mom.

"Beginning in Katie's 3rd year, her grades in core studio requirements began to drop--from B's and A's to C's and B's. Her faculty began to comment on several things about Katie's "studentry".

"Katie's 3rd year faculty report that she was not getting assignments done either on time or to specification; that she spent long periods of time outside the studio socializing and seeking too much advice and input from peers; that her attendance was spotty and her skill development was not progressing (particularly in painting and drawing). Katie appeared to have a harder and harder time absorbing and then demonstrating the results of critique in her work. It was characterized to me as "resisting" assignments. She spoke more and more frequently of "loving art" for its own sake and just wanting "to do what I want to do."

"By the spring semester of last year, Katie's 3rd year painting instructor says that he was warning her about incomplete and tardy assignments and about spending too much time out of the studio in self-directed efforts. Subsequently, Katie failed Painting IV--in part, for these reasons. The work Katie brought to the 3rd year critique was also largely incomplete and unfocused."

If anyone there still believes that I am not a screw up, please let me explain. After I failed the first crit, I was so disheartened I could not work around my peers. Therefore I was out of class, working. Did I ask peoples opinions, of course! There are things I cannot argue, for the sheer reason that in my mind, I feel very much like I tried my best. I felt constantly like I could never make any of my teachers happy, and was getting more and more frustrated, and on the other end, my mother would be going on about, well, most of you know her. I couldn't make her happy either.

I do not know where it went downhill. Honestly, I believed I was putting my all into it, and even with setbacks like failing, I knew this is what I wanted. So now, I do not know what to do. I do not think they will pass me, and even so I would have another year and a half till I graduate. Is it worth it?

I am greatly considering withdrawing from PCAD.

I would very much like for any comments or opinions. This weighs heavy on my mind, and some guidance would help a lot.

Me and my baby dog!

2008-10-01T23:06:30Z

It's me and my boy-toy Sean. :)

little_riz @ 2008-09-08T13:21:00

2008-09-08T17:24:58Z

I love my roomies. They are awesome.

Its monday, and that sucks cause while I had off from school, I still feel so much pressure. I wish I had off on Friday instead, does that make any sense?

Sean is amazing, and I love him. He wants to take me to the beach for a day this weekend. Its a long drive, and we cant afford to stay overnight, shame really. I love the beach. He has brought up living together next year, and I'm really worried. With how my parents would take it and all...any advice?

Sigh. I was up at seven. I'm kind of tired. But I know I wont sleep. I should be doing my homework.

>>
<<

Yea...should be. :P

Lots of love all!

little_riz @ 2008-08-29T15:04:00

2008-08-29T19:09:12Z

Greetings all.

As I have been without internet for like, 5 months, this is the first chance I get to update you on everything going on. Well, first I'm in a really nice new place with really nice girls and heres the fantastic part: WE ALL GET ALONG! WOOOOOOT

I have a boyfriend, I have been dating him for uh, I think 4 months now and hes a great guy.

Now heres the bad news.

Last year at school was HELL. My teachers faled me at my huge art crit, so I had it again. Once more they failed me again. Then my painting teacher gave me an F for his class. Heres the catch. I'm no longer allowed to graduate with my class because that class was a core one, and therefore failing caused me to be pushed back.

Oh, I also have to pay for all next year alone, get a job that gives me health care and someone how get an internship and still find time to do work.

I'm really depressed.
I need a hug :(

Brudder Where are Thou?

2008-04-08T04:43:01Z

Alright, as I'm SURE you all know, yesterday, April 7th was Mike's, (aka Rizzo's, though we all know whose the better one ;) ) birthday.

Join me in a toast:

To my brudder, heres to being 24, and another year closer to dressing like dad!

To those of you who forgot, he's not that important, SHAME! SHAMMMMMMMEEEEE!

:)

Post brought to you by: BLACK, The Color of Night...

2008-04-02T21:34:56Z

So, I honestly don't know how many of you read these anymore...if you do, thanks. I guess its appreciated that someone is out there listening.

Heres the update for all those who care:

First, I am getting out of the place I am living, I just have 26 days now to find somewhere to live. Tis hard. I am also in finals, and FREAKING OUT. I don't know if I can do it. I have good days and bad days, today, well its somewhere in between.

Second, OTAKON. I don't know if I can afford it this year, at all. I'm worried. I really wanna go, (who doesn't!) and I would have to have to skip out cause of stupid money issues.

I'm under a shitload of stress...and I hate it. Theres so much that one minute I'll remember, and the next I'll forget. What to do....

So, for all those out there who would like to comment, or day hi...

well, the floors now open.

...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...

2008-03-18T00:33:51Z

Dear Diary,

I have been absent of late, for that I am sorry.   Things have not been so good.   I failed a big crit in school, and believe me when I say I am struggling to learn something, when I do not know how to learn it.   Its hard, to take harsh crit day in and day out for months now, and look, and see your not getting any better.   I've broken down so many times now, I feel so fuckin emo.

There has never been a time in my life, when I thought I couldn't do it, or couldn't make it, or wanted to just stop...until now.   I honestly DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT ANYMORE.   Time and time again I look back on the days I would bullshit in class, or sit at home and watch a movie when I should have FORCED myself to pick up a brush and paint, and know I'm in trouble. For the first time in my life, I don't know if art is my direction, I just don't know if I'm meant to do it.

I'm struggling, and I'm sinking fast in water feeling like I don't know how to swim.   I feel so lost.   But the hardest thing to swallow, is knowing that the shit I'm in, this place, all these emotions and all these little voices telling me to quit are representations of me.   I've dug my own grave, and the dirt is starting to pile up. I don't know if I have the energy to dig myself out.

I have never felt so alone.

Goodbye,
Katie

2-20-2008

2008-02-20T05:25:38Z

Happy Birthday to me. :)

No, I didn't die

2008-02-15T02:18:20Z

Greetings.

I know I haven't been on as much, and thats pretty much cause school, work, and this theater project TOOK OVER MY LIFE!

Any-who, school kicked my ass, my teachers ripped me apart and literally said my works pretty bad, I should be better, yada, yada, yada. Yea, failed that crit, if I fail the next one I can't go on to senior year. No pressure. Work is now over, as I handed in the keys and now get no hours. Hm.

On a completely unrelated note, I slit open my finger. It hurt a lot.

On another completely unrelated note, I hung out, (I refuse to call it a date) with this guy, and he was a dick. Said I was full of myself. Thats not true right?

I miss people, and laughing, I don't laugh much anymore. Wow this post is depressing. : /

I also hate pink things, and today most of all.

Heres your quote of the day, "The only good thing about Valentines day is the 50% off chocolates the day after."

Somebody tell me something, I feel left out. :(

This is the captain, we may experience some slight turbulence, and then explode...

2007-11-24T16:42:49Z

So I'm in my friends apartment waiting for her to be ready so we can hit somewhere for food. I didn't eat dinner last night, so I'm pretty hungry. Thats ok, it was my fault, I was pissed. This is the worst time of year right now, I hate the holidays. I get so stressed out, never DO anything fun or interesting and pretty much get depressed. Ah well, tis the season right?

So I haven't heard anything from anyone, and since Mike tells me NOTHING, I don't really know whats going on.

TELL ME!

*ahem*

I'm slightly interested.

Busy busy!

2007-11-05T18:19:23Z

Whew, look, a couple minutes for me to post here. My life, as I know it, is over. I don't think I've had a day off in a long time, much less had some fun, but thats life right now. Man, can I not wait till this year is over. I'm not going to go on and on about my schedule, but I will tell you some highlights.

So I'm the part time manager at KB now, boo and ya.   My GM really likes me, and has told me I was one of the quickest learners he ever had.   Personally, I think hes being nice, I happen to believe I know nothing....

On another note, I had my first professional art interview! It is a non-paying job, but I would be designing for the posters and flyer's and website for this theater.   ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND.....*DRUM ROLL* I GOT IT!!

Yea, I was pretty giddy, and I called my parents and by now its probably all over the family. :)

Money and I are not liking each other. At all. I'm having issues with stupid UGI, which is my gas and all, and there stupid payment thingys.   Oh joy. Not to mention, I'm getting some good money from work, but I still hate feeling a little short, and I'm trying to help my parents out by paying my own rent for some time and all....lets hope I can do it.

I know I misses some birthdays, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I am getting a good amount of sleep, but I'm still so exhausted, and I know its cause of how hard I'm working with school and then with work...and Christmas is around the corner....ARG!

*sighs*   Alright, enough of my rambling...

Laters!

Yes, I am alive...

2007-10-10T04:31:28Z

I know, I know, I haven't been around.   Its been pretty much non-stop for me since school started.   Junior year is apparently the "weed out" year. They basically push us to breaking and for those who can make it and not drop out, hey, good for them! I hope to god I'm one of them.

I did get the part time management position at my job, go me! I'm scared as hell I'm going to screw something up and get fired though, like you wouldn't believe.   I was shaking the one day he sat me down and stood behind me as I did everything myself. Now, don't get me wrong, the guy training me is really nice and patient with me, but its quite intimidating...know what I mean?

Living situation has been...well, ok I guess. I don't really mingle with the one girl at all, and the other girl and I get along ok. Its kinda like waiting for the drop into the storm, cause I feel like somethings going to happen, I just don't know what, or when.

All in all I've been pretty damn depressed. Yea, nothing new out here, but I mean theres so much crap going on, and I'm so busy and when I say I have a lot on my mind, man is that the understatement of the year.   I really think I suck at art, and am going NOWHERE, and haven't done anything worthwhile at all, while my class is already making there own stuff and being in galleries...oh the joys.

I have to keep telling myself to hold on, cause no one else is there to tell me. My friends are great, and I love there dearly, but sometimes I feel like there so wrapped up in their own lives I get forgotten. I know they don't mean it, but its hard to laugh when your laughing alone.

I hope I start producing some good work soon, and get out of this funk. I need time for me, but I wont get it at all at least until Feb. I work all weekend, and school all week. Hey, at least I'm getting money right? However, as my mother so casually pointed out to me, I have insurance due...well here comes the depression again.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Man I haven't even talked to my brother in a long time. Not that he really gives a damn...we've never been close. Even if I try talking to him online, I always feel like he's sending me the 'I got better things to do' vibe.

Well, what can you do. I gotta go wallow in my misery now....

insert scream of frustration here

2007-09-23T16:16:22Z

So. Hello all. I haven't been able to get on in a while cause I STILL do not have internet. All the joys.... Life has been busy and frustrating here. I'm getting work thrown at me from all sides, and it keeps stacking up.   Good point however, I got the manager job at my work, so I start training for that soon. Yayness!!

Roomie situation...who the hell knows. I was told I'm pissing them off and all and I am getting the impression they don't trust me at all. Thats peachy, I don't trust them.   Everything that I say to the one girl, we she has an answer for. Really. Its so annoying. I am always the one who knows nothing and is in the wrong. Why didn't I listen to any of you again?? Oh yea....I do reallly like the place, a lot. I love having my own kitchen and all. I guess its ironic, I get what I like I just have to put up with a lot of shit.

My saving grace has been my friends. I've been staying at there place all the time now, and by that I mean every weekend I go over there for at least one night. They really keep me from tearing my own flesh apart.

So any-who, my mother, who I love dearly for staying with my and all through this, has been another saving grace.   I'm lucky that shes focused on this so much right now that I'm not taking a lot of crap for anything. I don't know which is worse however.   But really, its been nice to call her and know at least SOMEONE is on my side.

Its a hard situation, I grew up learning to pick my battles, learning to keep my mouth shut cause I had no other option at all. And now thats coming into play again.   I live with these two girls, have to for a year, and while I want to SLAP them sometimes, I don't want to start something.   Sometimes though...I have to keep myself in check.

Ah....the Anime conventions. When are they again?   I'll see if I have the money to go. Thats running a little short right now, so I will have to check.   Other than that my life is busy but alright.   I'll try to get online a little more.

Peace, love, and unidentified flying lunch meat.

Short and sweet...

2007-09-16T23:49:32Z

STRESSSSSSSS

OF the big and annoying kind. I'm going to make this real short cause I don't have a lot of time and I think my head is going to explode. The workload so far is big and large and kicking my ass. I have a lot on my mind and am under a lot of stress. I'm really scared I wont make it, but I know failure is not an option!!

Not to mention I'm a little short on cash and can't really work cause there aren't any hours at my job. So money is also kicking my ass. I don't have internet and sometimes wanna kill my roomies. Sighs...so much you all don't need to hear and I'm tired of telling, but someday I'll make Mike tell you all. Just harass him. In fact next time you see him, poke him for no reason. Hard. In the ribs. :)

Arg. I'm tired from everything. I called my mom and she even said I sounded tired. That tells me something....

So yea, any-who if anyone would like a more in-depth convo please feel free to call me....or something...

I have to go scream and my woodcut and find out why it isn't doing what I want...

The bad, the worse and the down right terrible...

2007-08-31T21:39:34Z

(( I KNOW half of this was already ranted about in the entry below, but deal...))

I could go on and on about whats going on with my apartment. First let me tell you the place is awesome, then let me tell you that pales in comparison to the fact that I've been so sick I can't eat or sleep.   Do you really want me to go into all the little details of whats going on? I don't want to, its to complicated and to STUPID to really name all, but I'll go into some.

One of them is the girls decided I had to pay 10% of every electric bill cause of the washer dryer being on their floor, and cause of the LANDING LIGHT!. Yes, you heard me correctly. A light before I even get into the apartment. For those of you who don't know, The upstairs where I am has its own bills, which is awesome, but they still wanted this. I of course didn't like it.

Moving on, the washer dryer situation is up in the air, cause my moms pissed about whats going on. I didn't know or realize or whatever, but we have to pay 25 dollars extra a MONTH cause of the damn washer dryer. Now that only comes out to something like 8 each, but still, my mom didn't know cause I didn't even think about it and so shes mad shes going to be giving us something and then have to pay for it. THEN I would have to pay the electric thing, and THEN on top of that my own bills. My mother simply said, "no." I agree.

Next is a fucking classic.   I am the only one who has to go upstairs, so this wouldn't bother them, but both of the girls have two cats.   I'm fine with it, I love kitties. However, they were worried the cats would maul my things, so even though I told them LITERALLY 25 TIMES that my doors would remain closed, they kept saying they wanted to put a board across the stairs. I told them no, I didn't want to move something every time I had to go upstairs, no matter how light it is.    Then they tell me, "if the cats destroy your things, or DIE cause you left something out, its YOUR fault." Um...no. But theres no talking to them. Even when I told the one girl that it is ILLEGAL CAUSE ITS AGAINST FIRE CODE, she says, you have a fire escape.

...

Do they not understand English?

Its so wonderful to feel like I'm gonna cry every time I go into this place. And I get so sick cause I don't know what there gonna say next.   I miss everyone so much, I could go for some cheering up right now.

:(

Depression....

2007-08-27T04:25:02Z

Man. Could this be the worst rant in history. But I am just so tired of this shit, I can't do it. Oh, I'm betting most of you know whats going on....yea, my roomies. Shits hitting the fan, let me tell you.

So...we found out the upstairs where I'm living is all separate bills, right. Yea, good, except for the washer and dryer, which they want me to pay 10 percent of every electric bill they got to use. I wasn't happy about it, but I'll overlook that one.   Then just tonight the one wanted to block the stairs going up to my room and all with a board so her cat can't get up there. When I said no, she was like, fine but if my cat dies, its your fault. HELLO!! HE-FUCKING-LLO!!!   Where the hell was she was she was taught responsibility?!?!?! The cat is not my problem, but I was the one being unreasonable. And this is just the TIP of the iceberg that is the problems. So now my rents want me to break that lease, and find a new place to live.

And you know, as awesome as this place is....I just might. I hate that I'm the one to blame, I hate that I'm being ganged up on and I really really hate how SHE FUCKING HAS TO HAVE CONTROL OVER ME. Well no more. I'm sick of this shit.   I may have to pay a little more but hell my mother said she was willing. I will forfeit something I love so I don't have to worry about this shit, not anymore. I'm so tired of it.

Trust me, I could go on and on. But I'm tired, I now feel sick and I'm sure you get the idea of whats going on.

Let the comments begin, and please, no "I told you so".   ...Please....

>_

2007-08-19T15:13:12Z

I'm really pissed off right now. Like I think all the stress from everything has finally gotten to me. I don't know why I'm like this per-say, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the stress from the move and yada yada yada.

So Mike had his party yesterday. I didn't swim, I didn't want to, the water was to cold and I just wasn't in the mood.   I think my brother likes having parties cause hes the center of attention. Does that sound harsh? Everything is usually ok until I say something he doesn't like or whatever.   I'm tired of it.   Then he got pretty drunk. FYI to everyone, I hate drunks. With this passion.   I really do. Do I think everyone there was drunk, no. Not at all. I know that they were really getting close, or just buzzed. But when he gets drunk...yea.

I sometimes hate hanging out with people with him, cause he uses me for his own entertainment. Now, nothing bad was happening last night, but his whole attitude was starting to get on my nerves.   Heres you apology to everyone for his actions, he was not thinking.   I'm just so irritated with the whole thing, I'm pissed.

Now, Mike and I aren't close, but I know hes keeping something from me, and I KNOW what it is. Or should I say who. Does it hurt, yea kinda.   Is it my business, no.   I guess it bothers me cause well....lets just say I'm not the only one who knows. Not to mention, having something kept from you just kinda stings.

*sighs* I know this looks like a I HATE MIKE rant, but It isn't. I love my brother dearly, even if he treats me like shit in front of people and acts like an idiot.   Would I do anything for him, yes of course. I guess I'm just still feeling like I'm sitting in the background.

I'm not sure what else to write, its really hard to put into words cause I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. I guess you kinda got the idea. I didn't mean for it to turn into a negative rant, I guess it kinda got to me. Sorry about that.   I have to go pull my hair out now cause I'm so stressed.